Still there

So, all the ITs, the tangerine size, the golfball size, and the hey, I have no match on the other side size are all the same size as 3 months ago. Since they aren't going away, but are staying the same size, Dr. Erika with a "k" is 99% sure we're ok, but still wants to look again in 3 more months. Will do, I say, and then if the one with no match is still there, it will become a dimple in my flesh (as if I don't have enough of those already).

Meanwhile, I've started a new venture, am getting ready for a super exciting family vacation, and am seriously enjoying the girls new school and all the activities/playdates/Parents Night Out (whut, whut??!!) and living life to the fullest!

Thanks to all for continued prayer and we'll know more just in time for Santa-I am making a request for no lumps of any kind to be left in my stocking, I have enough:)

Boob Update

Thank you for all the continued prayers concerning the lump I have affectionately labeled IT. I don't know if I even posted about the last checkup, 3 months ago, where IT had spawned little IT's more fibrous in nature than the original IT. So, tomorrow is the 3 month checkup to hopefully make a decision as to how to handle all these IT's. If you say that fast, it sounds like zits...I digress. I don't have an appointment time, they are going to randomly call me when she's in between slicing other people open, I hope she uses a good disinfectant soap.

My tummy's a bit in knots, so I hope that's like stage fright and means all will be peachy king.

Will post results after I'm home from the rub down rendezvous...

Microwave Oven Light

I'm crabby for no ostensible reason this evening, except for the stress of a new school year starting and one of our mortgage payments not getting processed due to the greed of another exec at TB&W. But that's life. Today a friend of mine facebooked how much she missed her dad as today would have been another birthday for him. That's real life, important life.

My crabbiness rarely stays inside me very well. Usually little mini crabs creep out even though as I see a leg poking out and try to crush it, it somehow hurries to the point of no turning back and shapow, its out there ready for hot butter sauce, a plastic bib with a picture of a lobster on it, and a wet chin.
So after I picked shell shrapnel off my favorite chin and cleaned him up with the wetnap, I walked into the dark kitchen to put a cup into the dishwasher. I couldn't see and to avoid yet another bruising, since I always seem to run into the stove handle, I Helen Kellered my way to the microwave oven light. I thought it had one, wasn't sure, thought I was going to defrost whatever the large children had splattered in there today, when bam-there was light. And then a memory. A memory so clear that I was taken somewhere so far away in space and time and yet nowhere.
Several memories actually. Of that little kitchen light. My Grandma Nina (pronounced like nine) would always leave that welcome light on above her sink in case we had to brave the stairwell for a midnight porcelain rendezvous. My Grandma Cade would also leave some kind of "go towards the light" shine, but I think hers was to catch the pre-dawn snackers. There was a family my brother, sister, and I stayed with in Oklahoma while our parents went on a retreat. The dad was the pastor of the Church of Christ in town and I remember they had a kum-buy-ya guide "So ya'll can git a drink if ya git thirsty".
How does that happen? How does one touch of a button transport you to light bulb heaven?
Will my legacy have touches, smells, and sensations that brings them to say "Hi Grandma, I miss you."?
Not if these mini crabs keep escaping. Maybe I'll nuke em in the micrawave and we'll have patata salad and biskits with em tamaraw.

That's important life. Legacies that bring warm fuzzies. And to Grandma Chapman, this is Susie. Thank you for leaving me your quick to laugh, bald, toothless, garage saling on a three wheeled bike, bacon frying legacy. My times with you and your kitchen light were priceless. I miss you.

Holy Hunch

Today we made it to bible study a little more on time, but still the last one there. I love how each bible study group has a different vibe to it. Some laugh more, some cry more, some define the term "pregnant pause", some resist being personal, others have "tmi" coming out their gills. This "come when you can" group on forgiveness is in the middle. Definitely more serious than some, but thanks to the leader, kept struggling along to embrace the concept of mercy today. So, when asked the question how do you know when to start to trust someone or reconcile with them and what if that can never happen, the lady 2 chairs down from me blurts out "You gotta use your Holy Hunch!". Ok. Hold the phone. Did she just say Holy Hunch? I knew what she meant...instinct, heeby geebies, toxic people that can't be trusted until proven otherwise-trust me, I could write the book on what that could look like, now I have a chapter title. Instead of nodding my head and ignoring this fantabulous slogan I almost blew spit at the lady across from me. I was going to lose it. I looked at everyone else in the group for some kind of laughing confirmation, I was completely denied of that satisfaction. Holy Hunch. I crossed my legs. I smilingly wrote H-squared in my book. I contemplated my adulthood at the moment. I thought of funerals. Nothing worked. I kept thinking of Crunch-n-Munch. Eat some Crunch-n-Munch while you ponder your Holy Hunch. That would be my jingle for the awkwardness of composing myself in this group of learning to forgive hot mamas. Do they even make Crunch-n-Munch anymore? I'll have to check at my 80th trip to Wal-Mart. I am struggling with the harmony though, suggestions welcome...

Come When You Can

I signed up for the "come when you can" summer bible study on forgiveness. I missed the first one due to summer camp schedules and showed up 30 minutes late to today's. I almost didn't go...almost, then C says mom, let's go check it out. That was brave considering the last time she went to a "come when you can", she ended up hiding under a table crying, and eating an undetermined amount of cheese slices to coax her out....good times.

So, we show up, all 4 of us and I didn't want to go in. My hair is icky, I smell from switching to non anti-perspirant deodorant, and I've been with kids non stop for 12 days and counting. Not a good time to be late and have all 24 eyes glance at me politely as they move their chairs to the side to make way for the late one.

The leader asked someone to read the scripture, got me a book, and a slew of pencils for some kind of unknown marking system to show the importance of who was talking when. It was confusing, the conversation was not.

The author was talking about how Joseph, after 22 years, had forgiven his brothers for selling him into slavery. I've never been sold into anything, except maybe Amway, and my mom used to say she would sell me for a barrel of monkeys and shoot the monkeys, and I remember my dad couldn't wait for me to go to college/sell me into college so my room could be turned into an office. I showed him, I went to college and one-upped him, I got married. Had he not moved and divorced my mom, I guess he would have had his office.

I don't know, this whole idea of forgiveness is tough. Just when I think I have forgiven the people that have hurt me, something will happen to bring up all those unwanted and confusing feelings. Joseph wept. He wept so loud they called it wailing and said the people in the city could hear him. I know that cry.

What I don't know is how to begin to trust those that I have forgiven. Joseph ended up not only trusting, but taking care of his brothers and their families. How did that happen? He focused on the Healer. The One that mends unmendable fences. What I love and yet find so frustrating at the same time, is that it took 22 years. It was a process, both a figurative and literal journey.

A polite chick with great hair and a nice tan brought up the fact that forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. That's where I'm stuck. I want the reconciliation and if you could be so kind as to give it to me yesterday, that would be great. I want the good times. The forgiveness is on me, that's my part. In our little family, when someone offends the other we apologize and the injured party says I forgive you. When decades of dysfunction and hidden agendas and lies and hurt feelings come to play, the bases are loaded but it seems everyone that comes to bat strikes out. I am tired of striking out. I want to call a tie, shake hands, and have a beverage. I'm sure Joseph wanted that as well, but God had more in store for him. So instead of reconciliation, I am going to focus on restoration. A restoration of my soul focusing on the Healing one that doesn't want me to only "come when I can", but wants me to come all the time, first and always.

Susan wept.

Bye-Bye 2nd & 3rd grade!!!

This post is a bit behind, but since the sun is finally shining and summer is getting upon us I want to make sure we have recollections of the last school year!

This was our family's first experience in a brand new charter school, Providence Hall in Herriman, Ut (the girls told me to be sure to put the state so we remembered where we live:).

With the charter school experience came uniforms and the IB curriculum. This year was a pivotal year for both, but C especially, who flourished under the direction of Miss Collett! R experienced an attachment to Miss Bevans and a profound sadness at the end of the year that only a Little Mermaid summer acting camp could counter!

The following are some highlights....

Favorite school project: Tree Art & Plays

Favorite subjects:

C-Writing, Math, Art

R-Math

Least favorite activity/subject: Centers because they're boring...

Favorite pals:

C-Megan & Mary

R-Laura & Abby

New things they tried:

C-Hip-Hop!

R-Ears Pierced!

Things they liked to eat this year:

C-bananas & pizza

R-Smarties

Favorite activity:

C-Ice Cream Party

R-Playdates

One thing they both are looking forward to this summer-Camp Wilson!!!

8 more weeks and we'll be experiencing the joys of 3rd & 4th grades!

Dinner Unserved & Already Ruined

Since I have backed off a lot of activity, and when I say activity-I mean work....I have had more time at home to be more overwhelmed by never ending laundry and to try to actually cook dinner-HA! Am I the only one that preps for a meal knowing full well that the one preparing (me) is the only one that will enjoy the tasty morsels that have taken 3 trips to the grocery store (one of them located in Nevada) to prepare for? I know my Big Game will most likely have to make a Carl's Jr run and/or sport an emergency nacho after nodding over how its not the worst thing he's eaten. Why then am I still preparing it? I am pmsing for one and feeling orinery. Yet I am at odds with how much energy I'm putting into it when I am pretty sure I know the end result. So, if anyone wants rice noodles, water chestnuts, brocoli, carrot shreds with sesame steak sauteed and served with a side of scrumptious Oriental salad let me know I'll save you some-I'm sure there will be PLENTY of leftovers (insert pix of horns holding up my halo here):)

Faith & Stats

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a surgeon. I met Erika with a K that's a surgeon today and she is the only surgeon I have ever met that has made me have a little nag of regret in not moving forward with that little dream of mine. I watched her eyes light up as I rotated the baby on my chest from one breast to the other as she examined "the mass". Yes, you did read that right, the baby had to go with me. I had 4 finely laid out, make any football coach proud, game plans of who was to help me and because Erika with a K is a surgeon, her schedule got all out of whack and she gave me a 30 minute window earlier than expected to race down a construction ridden freeway, throw the baby in the stroller, and wheel us in to her room only for her to be greeted by screams from a 13 month old frightened baby girl. E's only experience with doctors is apparently highly associated with the pain of needles and the only thing that would calm her was me holding her against my chest in the always lovely, open in the front, paper gown. Good times.

Now to the news. Thank God, the prolactin levels are normal!!! That means pituitary gland issue is not the cause of breast leakage. When asked what causes it, she said it just happens and may happen my whole life. Well, ok then onto "the mass". It's still there, but it has shrunk half a centimeter in length and width. According to Erika with a K, cancer doesn't usually shrink. She looked at me smiling and said your stats look good. I said how good, what are my options, and what can I do to help my body not to rebel against me? She said if I had come in for a breast exam today that she probably would not have found it and/or have been concerned with it since it matches the fibro cystic tissue in my other breast. She said, however, it is still there, but shrinking is good and although the only way to know for sure that it isn't cancerous is to take it out and have the pathologist examine it, that I am looking at .5% of it being cancerous!!! That is crazy good news!! Now to the options, they are the same as before. Breast MRI, yank it out, or wait. We are deciding to wait for one more month and have her look at the same day of the next cycle, if its bigger, we get it out for sure, if it isn't we evaluate then just in time for summer fun:)
As far as what I can do...for the pain, drop caffeine-ouch-that may have to have a cost analysis ran on it, I'm not sure. As for the fibrous tissue, its here to stay, weight loss may affect it a little, but until menopause its gonna be a lumpy ride. Again, good times.

For some reason as I heard her talk stats and percentages, all I could think was yes-- I am so grateful and part of me is looking to her for that guarantee that all will be ok. That's where stats step off and faith comes in. My guarantee is not in her or tests or machines, its in Him and I know that, but knowing and really knowing and feeling it don't always happen together. I like Erika with a K that felt me up with a screaming baby on my chest and looked at me when I apologized and said "This is Life". I think we're a great patient/surgeon...faith/stats team and yes, this is life and I don't want to miss a beat as I buckle up for the next fun ride--dermatologist vs. suspicious mole...good times!

Thank you for continued prayer as we watch "the mass" and I hope to report next month that the only mass to be found is down the street at St. Mary's!

Tiny Dancer

#1 did awesome at her competition today and she was so excited she did the somersault on the hard gym floor correctly that she couldn't wait to put the prize winning T-shirt on! I am so proud of her for sticking with this hip hop thing that 3 months ago, a week after I bought the competition costume, she begged with pleading eyes and alligator tears, to quit. How far she's come...she's still quitting, but there's definitely something said for sticking it out.

As we waited for her group to perform, we were watching #3 watch the other performers and I had to share our tiny dancer's performance on the stroller!

How did I get so lucky to have such an awesome family...sigh...

The Note

Today I wrote a note on pretty stationery with my initial on it and sealed it with a pretty sticker. A normal thing to say thank you, to say hey-I've been thinking about you, to say I love you. A not so normal thing to drop off to a surgeon who isn't returning calls to say hey chica, I'd like to know if my blood levels are normal prior to the next appt to make sure we aren't wasting any time and thanks for the rub down! Definitely not normal, but less than 3 hours Erika with a K's name showed up on my caller id and her friendly receptionist who God Bless Her pretended that we hadn't talked everyday for the past 2 weeks in my pestering to get that pertinent info, called to say oh the dr had a great idea, she actually looked at the old blood work that didn't measure prolactin levels and wow, wouldn't it be nice to know what those are prior to your next appt, which happens to be Monday? Oh my, what an idea!!
So, all sarcasm aside, I get to go get poked again to get that prolactin level and my "special visitor" arrived today so I will be seeing the surgeon Monday afternoon to have her re-assess "the mass" and see if it's smaller, same or bigger. Let the good times roll! Thanks for continued prayer:)!

Half My Life

I have officially been with my Big Game for half my life. We met in Math Anal our Junior year of high school and we didn't have our first date until prom of our Senior year (go Bulldogs) where we joined Ang and Aaron for a double date at Bobby McGee's, the dance, Ramona Bowl for some chatting and game playing, and Denny's for a Grand Slam. We had our first kiss propped up on his moms Honda Accord and destiny took over.
Seventeen years....his dimples, his wavy hair, his brains, and the way he looked in a suit were the things that got me right from the start. That following Monday he gave me his letterman jacket to wear which I proudly sported in the 90 degree heat for the last month of school leading to graduation. When you are 17 how do you know what or who you will love? I just knew. I knew he would never hurt me, at least not on purpose. I knew he could fix anything. I knew he was a hard worker and very smart. Most of all, I knew he loved me, even when I couldn't or wouldn't love myself.
Half your life with the same person is a HUGE deal, especially in a world of divorce, in a time of both of us being so young. We've always seemed to have had a shield of protection around us. We've grown up together, have the same memories, and even when it seems things aren't fantastic, one of us will usually make the other laugh....17 years and still laughing...half my lifetime and yet so much more to look forward to...
Loving you always BG...
Flame

MDM (Mother's Day Memories)

Has anyone seen my slinky? stated by the 9 year old...





I don't wanna wear my tennis shoes to golf!!! also stated by the 9 year old...





Can I have another piece of chocolate? 7 year old dreaming aloud....





Blah, blah, per, blah, blah, poo! 1 year old asking for a diaper...dare we say genius?





At least I didn't have to fold laundry!

Mary and the Mass

The mammo got moved up to yesterday afternoon. After volunteering at school, a trip to Target, and lunch with a friend, I ended up going alone and reading several delightful articles in the magazine Allure. The squishing itself was not alluring, but meeting the intake nurse, Mary, was an experience I won't soon forget. She basically balked at any concern I had and at the end of her exam told me to stand up, place my arms at my side, lift my left arm to touch my right elbow, and said feel that? I said yes, that's my elbow..to which she replied, that's a lump. She may as well had called me an idiot and kicked me to the curb and I so wanted to pull out the line from that Office movie and say, "Sounds like somebody's gotta case of the Mondays..." But it was Tuesday and she didn't look like she watched anything without Matlock in it.

So, after recovering from that, the radiologist told me everything looked normal-no pre-cancerous calcium deposits to be seen-Praise God!!
When I spoke to the surgeon's assistant today, she said THE MASS (she really did emphasize it like that, it was quite disturbing, like something Quentin Tarrantino would have a character say...I digress) could not be seen on imaging. That is what we expected and even though it can't be seen doesn't mean it's not there, so we will be scheduling another consult in a couple weeks to see how to proceed.

I can't tell you how many emails, phone calls, texts, hyeroglyphics (sp?) of encouragement I have received since I put the 911 out there. Thank you to each and every one of you for showing you care and for praying. There are so many people worse off than me and its humbling to be loved so openly. I asked a friend today, what would happen if we rallied in prayer for each other like this all of the time, even when no crisis is hiding in the wings? Her response was that would be totally awesome! I agree and hope that we can practice that together.

Be well and thanks for continuing in prayer:)!!

Happy Familyversary!

One year ago today we officially became a family of 5!!! James and I met E for the first time in a tiny hotel room in Texas and man, this year has crawled and flown by all at the same time! So, today in honor of 4 becoming 5, E decided to take 3 steps towards me without holding on to anything and before I could grab any sort of camera, she sat down! Soon enough she'll be racing around on those cute chubs of hers!

To the ones I hold the tightest...J, C, R & E, I love you more than words can say and have embraced this past year with all its ups, downs, and round abouts! To my girls especially, thank you for giving your dad and I such joy and causing us to grow so much within ourselves and for keeping us on our toes and knees all at the same time! You three are sisters for life and we never want you to forget that.

Happy Familyversary-the Nelson fam rocks!

Today I met Erika

I know a lot of Erika's. I went to high school with one, college with one, and worked my first post-college job with one. Today I met another one and she's a mom and happens to be a breast surgeon. How does one become a breast surgeon with a name like Erika spelled with a k? I don't know, but man am I glad it was her small framed blue eyed confidence that greeted me in my paper thin, hey I gotta boob lump, and why is everything in the waiting room referring to cancer or masectomy's state this afternoon.
After doing an exam and asking a bunch of questions, this is what Erika said...

First, there's a lump. It's measuring 2.5 X 1.5 cm and she sent me home with a handy dandy diagram of its placement.
Second, she's 98-99% sure that lump SHOULD be cancer free. It is not grainy. It is not like a hard pea or bee shape. It seemed to move around and go away when pushed on.
Third, she doesn't want to take any chances with that 1 to 2%, so she offered several scenarios.

I can wait 3 months and see if it changes sizes. I can come back at a different time in my cycle in a couple weeks and see if it changes sizes. I can have a breast MRI which usually causes mass panic and chaos in patients like me due to the false positives it creates which cause more rollercoaster biopsy's to take place. She can not take a biopsy of this current lump due to its peek-a-boo instinct and it would be a "blind biopsy". I can have her surgically remove it or leave it in and watch it.

This is the action plan we're going with...I'm going to get the previously scheduled mammo to see if it shows anything, but usually fibro cystic tissue looks like bone on ultrasounds and mammos, which is why they didn't see anything in the already done ultrasound. Then why am I getting the test obviously created by a man that likes to squish things? Because she is looking for calcium deposits that could be a sign of pre-cancerous cells.
If mammo shows nothing, I go on day 5 of next cycle for another exam. We evaluate findings and if has not shrunk or gone away, she will be taking it out.

In addition, she is checking the last round of blood work that my general dr did to see if he did a prolactin test. Apparently, all this leakage I've had for the last 6 years post breast feeding days that I have announced hilariously that I could feed a 3rd world country on one side is not ok. I have talked each year with my obgyn about it and never had them concerned...this is why I am embracing this Erika. So, there's a possibility that I could have a USUALLY benign tumor on my pituitary gland (btw-thats located in the brain) that could be causing this wow, my shirt was dry until I bent over, effect. I am hoping it also causes a big ass, thick thighs, and a loud mouth!

It seems I am learning a couple huge life lessons. First, I am not to be taking anything for granted and the passion that I feel to meet God on my closet floor while in crisis needs to be something I do daily. Second, my measure of what is good and bad is no longer as black and white as it was last Monday. Its all different shades of grey now. Hey, you have a lump and cysts. Now your cysts are good, still have a lump. Think the lump could be nothing, but cancer isn't predictable, here's your choices. Oh, by the way, may have a tumor in your brain, no need to panic since its usually benign. See what I mean? Good, bad, ugly, and the only constant is Him.

I will post more on this after mammo results come in. As always, thanks for continued love, support, and prayers!

Snap, Crackle, Pop

The Rice Krispy theory has paid off!!! The pap came back normal...cysts be gone, apparently they were they to ward off evil-who knows? Praise GOD!!! I plan on taking a deep breathe and possibly getting a mani/pedi because we all know nothing says hey the cysts are good and I have a lump that's getting checked out better than nail polish!

Have a great weekend and thanks for continued prayers!

Pre-Mammo Cancellation

The surgeon's office just called to say they had a cancellation, but I can't get my mammo done prior to the appt. Something told me to go, take the appt, have her evaluate the ultrasound and what she feels. So, Monday, 12:45pm mst-consult with breast surgeon..

Thanks for praying! I'll post what I find out-do your exams ladies!!!

Dates

First, I want to thank all of you that have become available to walk with me through this! In the midst of all of our busy lives and swine flue outbreaks it never ceases to amaze me that when the chips are down for another, someone steps in to fill the gap. My gap is overflowing with the love I am feeling from each and every one of you...thank you!

So, the drs office called this am and they scheduled the diagnostic mammo for Thursday, May 7th at 10am MST. I want them to see nothing except a big giant boob. I am rebuking anything else and I am asking that you do the same!

After that lovely torture, I am persistently pestering the breast surgeon to move up my appt from the current time of May 27th at 10am MST. 26 days from today-Happy Freaking May Day??!! I think not, hence the pestering...

Nothing back on the pap, again, those little cysts need to be Rice Krispies that snap, crackle, pop their way back to wherever they came from!

I am putting the stinkin' time zones for the dates because I want to be specific in prayer and although He knows the outcome, He knows the tornado of emotions I'm in now, He also wants us to come to Him and know that He is God. I'm here, please join me and wake me when this ride is over:)

Love yourself today-be well!

S

Lumps and Bumps

I am a huge advocate of going to the yearly female appt...up until now, when they don't go smoothly. As I was sticking my cold toes into the oven mitts the obgyn hilariously keeps over the stirrups, I felt this weird calm. Even my blood pressure was normal, which NEVER happens at the drs office. It was as if I wasn't even there...maybe I wasn't. When a dr looks at you and says, "Can you feel that?" I can't describe what goes through your mind. I of course said no and then she led me to it. I have lumps and bumps all the time. I am a classic fibrous tissue boob chick and never know when to panic...until now. So, off to St. Mark's for the ultrasound and nothing is to be found, which I thought was a good thing, but apparently we aren't out of it yet. So, as I journey through a mammogram and a breast surgeon consult I ask you to pray with me. Pray that I am not paralyzed by fear. Pray that I have complete healing (both mental and physical). Pray that I remember I serve an awesome God who loves me.
If you are local and see me, I might need a hug. I'm vulnerable, I'm out there and not really loving it (Seinfeld fans insert laughter here). And if you haven't been to your "yearly"...please go. I love you sisters and we need to take care of ourselves, for each other and our families!

Will post more when I know something...this part is the part when I usually ask to get off the roller coaster, but if I have to stay on, thanks for holding my hand and riding with me as I scream through it...pray, pray, pray...!!

Random Pix

I attacked James' cell phone this afternoon and here's some pulitzer prize winning pix courtesy of the fine folks of Blackberry and Verizon:) Enjoy the red eye...:)